Right now I'm doing ehh, I could be better, tomorrow I have no clue what I'm going to do, and I possibly don't care.

I am so excited because my Ma's Halloween party is going to be so fun.

Yay!

You see I can give a jo to one of my freinds where it would be a real oppertunity but it would cause some sort of turmoil in her life.

My, well one of my philosophical bases for my belief system, is to no matter what if it is possible not to cause any sort stress or conflict to any female unless it is mutual....So now I am sort of stressed out in an ironic way, because I never want to cause anything negative in her life...One she is a female with ideals, and second she is one of my freinds.

But there is an upside to this day...MY cousin from the big NC told me that sshe might be coming down to visit, and that is a good thing because she might be the only one who knows how it is for life to be complicated enough to enjoy it like I do.

I chilled around the house, then chilled with a freind.

This freind is a goodo freind, it's just that sometimes I seem to piss him off in some way no matter what...But now I'm sort of thinking that I should tell him about the people he wants to hang out with yet shouldn't he judge himself, and I am letting him, but I did warn him.

Oh and now he has a 15 in the trunk of his car. I am not one to put down somebody who is customizing a car from the ground up, but...It seems like he has it to make people pay attention more. I think people who are at least 19 should be looking for peaace than anything, I mean why should anyone need that much attention I just want to chill in the cut, look around me, see what's good, partake, then cut out...What I'm trying to say is I do not understand why everyone saying ook at me, while they shoul be looking at themselves.

Yesterday was a good day, maybe even a better day. I chilled with people I didn't know before, found out I'm not alone in being on the abstract side of the normal spectrum, I found out whose on the abstract side of the abnormal spectrum, and I now know that if you need to sleep watch Pete & Pete's episode: Nightcrawlers and it will work like a charm, lol. Today I wanted to chill again, but I can be patient...Okay I'm not patient, I lied. So maybe if I just wait, and wait, and wait...The wonderous times I have with these people who will remain nameless to protect them from anyone's judgement unwanted, nd not needed...In my opinion.

I am still nowhere with the girl typed about in preceding paragraphs/blogs but one of my new freinds has said that me and her will find me one, one of these days...I am needing to be more than one person again, and I feel comfortable, which is not surprisingly, lol (inside joke). I may just be going in the wrong diection at the right time and going somewhere more enjoyable like always.

You know who it is, if you know who it is...Spazztic Mannnnn!!!!!!

Peace Out.

I just woke up, yes I know wow...I hope that I can get my costume today for the Halloween party my Ma is having...That;s it for now.

:)

I haven't really been doing this blog that much anymore, but I've had some thoughts in my head so I thought why not share them with readers.

For days I've been actually wishing I was still in High school, don't ask why (or do anyway, I don't really care). I am studying chivalry again, yet this time more in depth...I supposedly will fall for a girl I can't have which has already happened, then she will reject me, already happened, but then supposedly I'm going to show her how honorable I am, and why she deserves me...I was kind of down because it sounded so unlike what I see around me in the way other men or guys go around the complex ways of being in a relationship.

Another thing that is bothering me is that change follows me through life too closely I can never run or hide, but that's the solution. People should not try to escape change, rather stay knowing that change will come forth as it may, try to influence it subtley, and it won't be smooth it will be the hard way of going around life but if it is not hard, not complex, then there is no worth to the challenge that the change represents. If life were easy then nobody would develop there would be no progress, and it would be boring

Okay so there's not much to say today. I did have a good day though none the less, I went to a freind's party and just chillaxed with a couple freinds.

After the party died down we all went to my house, and watched "Stomp the Yard" which is a rad movie for anyone concerned with dancing of any sort or just likes to watch dancing, I didn't really write anything but that is only because I had nothing that popped in my head, I didn't even have any epiphanies which is weird for me.



So all I gotta say is I hope everyone else that is reading this had a fine day.

Hey you guys reading my blog/journal, welcome to my train of thought...Come along for the ride.

Okay today I decided to really get serious about this idea about what music to me is, and how to express it. My thought of music is that it and the musician, singer, whatever should sacrifice a part of themselve to the music, and that way the piece given will make the music 4th dimensional and hit the soul.

I have this album concept where the only intruments used is 3 accoustic guitars, a regular piano, annd drums. The production will be minimal only used to emphasize the conceptual depth of the album. Oh I didn't mention that it will be a concept album based on a real series of events, but in a surreal metaphoric way (I actually wrote a Hardcore/Metalcore song for the album). Think Pink Floyd but more experimental, done accoustically. I was going to do it all myself but I find myself reaching out to others for a chance to bounce ideas off eachother with another causing a dual absorption artistically...I would love that.

Also I was trying to find a girl who can sing, but not only sing, but put her whole into it, I want to hear the soulfulness, the emotion, so much that you can almost touch it...So I'm still onn the search.

But please know that I still have to type up the songs, cause nearly no one can read my chicken scratch.

Its sad how many people dont talk to other people anymore because of such minor chores or just minuscule drama. I am now going to promise myself that I will try to talk to more people in person even if I cant drive because conversation si waht connects people most of the time and it allows people to grow and develop spiritually....Its just so sad how many people are kind of in their own world from their own decisions and not over anything makin them have to stay in that little corner.

Thats pretty much all I have to say now but later on....Ya never know.

I mean I've got freinds who are new who some how reunite me with freinds I knew...Its so cool. (your probably wondering why I did'n put this whole ramble in my livejournal) I guess I'm pondering this because I am amazed by how you can know people, lose touch, and find them changed while your gone.

A good metaphor would be that theoretically if you and I (whoever is reading this) in a store, I was looking at new clothes and you tell me what I should possibly wear, yet we find our clothes, then we go into seperate dressing rooms locked inside to look in the mirror at how we look different than before, and we are mystified for an amoutn of time. One of us goes outof the changing room early and goes to look for accessories then one of us is left behind only to change without us knowing it again and again...Some of us find eachother with complementing styles while sometimes we can be deviant in the way we change...Its a sad story but through curiousity we start to accessorize ourselves like those to i dont know keep what they were with us until by chaos theory we meet down the line to see how we turned out.

This week I found old freinds which I found by new freinds, and I see my old freinds in a new light, because truthfully high school is a place dreaded, yet cliques never seem to die but evolve for the better or worse. Its all about what shoes you walk into or out of.

The Life Of a Tortured Artist by Kyle Thomas (Heinly)

At a young age alone in a dark room,
Looking at a blank slate,
Staring at a void page,
The nothingness from which everything comes,
Saying to himself this will be his new home,
He will be the body,
His mind the writing utensil,
A vein through which art flows,
Like a spirit desperate to leave the gallows.

Ink hits the paper,
Splattering the scene of a tortured artist,
Shattering the chains of reality captured,
Freeing the spirit within to reign much like rain,
Allowing the droplets of donated emotions,
To express the inner pain,
As it roams across the page in a passionate fury,
Only to be retrieved from relief by the stress of everydays.

He is the body of work,
His blood the ink,
Writing his life away,
From inner thoughts to paper,
From the container to the released,
Released from containment to a world only he knows,
To return to again and again.

The life of a tortured artist hiding within the back of consciousness,
His face revealed only when your done reading his impending books.


The Personification Of Chaos:

The storm as black as the straight ahead,
The straight ahead running backwards into me,
Thinking there is going to be a crash but a merging occurs instead.

I with the darkness from which everything comes,
I with the self enveloped when the connection becomes,
Permanent for a temporary status until the inner conflict can become overcomed.

I can see the light more clearly like its in hands reach,
Grasping at the hope more easily in my chaos embodied phase,
Releasing my hands to create solid light objects,
Then allowing them to make a breach.

Thankful to the downtime that I get from the netherworld viewpoint, To see that we produce the life we decide to lead everyday...Defining.

copyrighted.

Today I received a messsage from a freind who misunderstood and I think life will be more complicated sooner or later so I just wanted to tell every body who cares to read...Just because.

I felt good today and I will probably call my good freinds tomorrow (all the ones who hve time) to muse and talk about life...So tonight as I dream I'll just be waiting...For the tomorrows after the yesterdays.

Have to climb again.

It seems my law of emotional extremes reigns true for i am in my heart so low that progress possesses the body, and somehow helps me express or accelerate my personal growth more and more. I look at pictures and reminisce about what could have been then write about it so that maybe it becomes more real in my mind that is connected to all the vital organs telling them that it'll all be okay. If you don't know already the past is always going to come around again to tell you of what you won and lost...I have lost what I think is so much so right now I try and make what I can to maybe cope, heal the wounds, take a mental picture of every type of scar that is presented to me and let that be my motivattion...Our flaws define us ( so I guess I'm a human definition maybe) so that is what I am and am reminded of every day like a blessed curse protecting my good spirit while accepting the bad spirited turning them into more energy that one can contain.

I wish upon the well to bring me good common health, a hefty wealth to ask for, but all I am asking is for some peace, a peice of what others around me eat without asking, finding pleasure within the ingredients, a blessed ignorance, of a consuming emotion, known to the few as true love in this life to make death seem so far away, full of what people might call the immeasurable take, a sacrifice to make, for what might make men think of fair in rather more, the peaceful way, than what takes the taste away.

Well lets see I slept the whole day, then at night I watched the final episodes of House, M.D. Season 2 with my ma...So it was a somewhat great day.

I have just returned from Barnes 'N' Noble with a satisfactory disposition aand a wealth of knowledge in plastic bags. I picked up a book my freind Samantha recommended to me by Augusten Burroughs, and truthfully it sounds interesting so I'll pprobably read it as soon as possible (so Sammi if your reading this, thank you). wI also picked up a phi;losophy book by Immanueal Kant who wrote about one of my favorite subjects abstract thought, imagination, and perceprtion of realities. Oh and I also picked up a few by Robert E. Howard the legendary Fantasy/Horror novelist who created Con the barbarian, kull the conqueror and Solomon kaine among other heroes so I am absoluutely anticipating with childish glee waiting to read those, plus a couple of other Ray Bradbury but everyone knows those writings are going to be gorgeously written so I wont go into detail.

I bought all these books in paperback, not because it was my only cchoice but a book with weathered pages or pages that are fragile possibly I think have more signifigance for there vulnerable to nature making them that more important. A book is only as poignant as the pages held within, and the words only as powerful by how much expression the writer put in the ink as if the blood is the ink, and the paper his body of life.

So right now I'm thinking of first updating the ipod then escaping into anothers world through thought (hey its better than drugs) to leave this land breifly, and to explore the astral plane side of things

I want to say that that quote about thinking too much kicked me where it hurts today, because now the girl that will actually talk to me, has a boyfreind again, and its possibly from advice that I have given her (this is the one I've actually asked out before not the other one, which makes it suck more). I did poorly on an American Government test, called somebody I have'nt in well (its been many times, but hey if they dont pick up I just call it an extremely long ringtone with intermittent breaks) a long time, and I said good morning to an old new accquaintence.

So it has been an eventfully weird day, heh maybe it'll get weirder. I have recently been asked about my musical aspirations and can say that it is very hard to find either illegal drug-free or medicated artists out there who want to do music...So I'm still looking for some people to share my ideas with, and hopefully I'll find someone sooner or well I'd appreciate sooner. I am right now feeling tired but I always do when the Barometric pressure changes so i probably wont write that much more.

I'll leave with this. I hope everyone else has a less uneventful day than mine, and will have a good rest of the day.

See ya tomorrow or later tonight (speaking to the journal), and you'll read me later (to the people who actually read this journal thing).

Its aa new day and I hope that i can survive through school this time rather than dozing off from pure boredom...I dont know how even the teachers stay awake. But I guess you can blame my drowsiness on many things, I mean I'm prescribed medications that induce it, and then there is the fact that most of my teachers are boring as well for the first time in my life I dont know why? Its a mystery, nah! Its probably the fact that their just attention killing viruses that live for doing exactly that. Maybe today I'll write some poetry, lyrics, or maye even a short story or two, you never know, hell, I never know (like I said before) so I'll go through this day overthinking and daydreaming about how I can better things in the next few moments after scavenging through a pile of thoughts, find the one thats the most uplifting, and try to fly with it (wish me luck).

Today I'm still hung up on the past more than ever. Earlier today I talked to my freind and we discovered something that I have known for awhile...I have honesty issues, I told them that they were one of the few that I am completely honest with about anything. I guess it stems from when another freind walked away then back in then back away from my life, and no its not Jenna, its the girl that I can only remember and never see.

Also more or less today my writing hand is still going between hypertensive and hypotensive...But essentially I am a writer/musician so that could definitely hinder my future as both potentially. I also thought alot on life, I say in my bio that the meaning of life is a question to be asked rather than an answer to be found, so I am just moving forward hoping that the slow and steady do win the race. You see I have this idea of art that the artist should not consume the art and vice versa, plus one should not outhink art and vice versa...So the idea is to take inspiration as a freind or family member, and use it to express freely in organized chaos rather than wildly displaying it as one may something they produced because art and humanity are one in the same, when you do anything your essentially displaying yourself or part there of.

I'm remembering what one great mind once said "you think too much for your own good sometimes" more and more but I have kept that advice in my heart so I am grateful.

Another thing I found out is I am not that outspoken so if anyone is reading this and knows me or of me its not that I dont like to talk tis that so many words come to mind at the same time so eexcuse me for the delay sometimes.

Okay I got a weird comment about the journal but I guess its because of the honesty, idk, maybe I should be less honest or intropective but if I did not tell my inner thoughts would that make me a liar in the mirror's eyes? Probably so I guess the best way to answer the question of why? is that I never get to reveal anything, well yet since I have no outlet...So I would call my journal an outlet for what I cannot just tell lanybody right in front of them, behind them, or to them because then I'd be vulnerable to criticism, and Ive already been through that enough already...So I write.

This next one paragraph hopefully will help some to learn about coping with the death of anybody, because I recently went through a passing of a brother (well i thought him as a brother)...So here it is

Okay Philosphy lesson: we are all individuals like cells in a universal body, well are souls are, then are spirit which is who you are is powered by that force and is defined by you so the spirit is the experiences gone through, then finally there is essence whcih is the connections or relationships we have with others, so esssentially when a person leaves you or passes on the memories you have or accept is like a beacon for others explaining why when one person leaves anyway beyond the senses you feel like there has been a transaction of sorts within the heart and also it explains why when one looks into the other's eyes you can see intention or who they really are...So what happens when the dearly depart? I think the soul goes back into the universal body which is energy, the spirit then is free or not free depending on belief to roam but like I said before essences are beacons, therefore that explains the feeling some people get sometimes like the dead are still with them...Well thats the first or second, I'm not really counting, philophy lessons for today, see ya.

Right now I guess the day could be better. I started off the day yesterday at 6:00 pm and have been awake since...I guess its because of the same thing on my mind that was earlier...There's this girl which I knew long ago and I miss her so much it would probably hurt more if I had told her the way I felt but then people say, move on move on yet I cant seem to let go of the memory or the doubt of self I had before.

I want to tell her that she's beautiful, has a voice that can tame anything its sonic vibrations gets their grasp on, that she dances so gracefully I have'nt even seen anything more graceful, her soul speaks words through her eyes, and her mind speaks volumes about her inner beauty that might even be more blinding than her physical, and also I want to be with her not just because she's attractive but because her spirit is shredding mine to pieces.

But I digress and say to myself like I do everyday that maybe in heaven I'll have a chance...Hey you can always hope, cant ya.

Okay I'm new to this thing called LiveJournal but I think I get the concept....So right now I'm as always confused about life, but thats the point is'nt it I don't know. Today I talked to my freind, lets just call her "Chica Chelsea" for privacy purposes, and she was laying down some wisdom about my lovelife, which you dont know is stagnant, as idle as a dead horse from the grave and killed again...And that no joke. She asked me why i go for this one girl and I told her because I have to, I guess I'm a hopeless romantic (well just look at the layout), so I probably will try and try again to ask this one girl out but I don't want to be too consistent, well 'cause I don't want me and her in an awkward position Kna'meen. So there it is.

Here's another thing I try to forget this one girl but she was my first crush when I was 14 so ya'know I cant. It sometimes depressing but I guess its that I did'nt tell her how I felt back when, so it in one verbal word "sucks" like a black hole, and the more I get sucked in, the more I see of myself disappearing into a tragically happy reminiscent memory of how it was just to chill wwith her, so long ago...I dont know like I said befo but ya gotta live, so therefore I will.

This actually felt releiving so i guess this is the start of a journal introspective...read along with me if ya want ta. PEACE!